Wednesday, July 8, 2009
I Hate 4:00 O'Clock
So I fixed myself a nice, big Gibson (Tanqueray with onions in a black, skull embossed martini glass and oh, ya, I have the black skull martini shaker, too) and turned on a prerecorded version of "The Cleaner."
Now, I've never seen "The Cleaner" before. Came across it the other day and it had two things going for it: dark and dark. I adore anything dark in nature, and I adore dark men. Benjamin Bratt. Need I say more? Tall, intelligent, mysterious, gorgeous, enigmatic, dark hair, dark eyes. Next to Superman, my perfection in a guy.
So here I am, sipping an absolutely gorgeous Gibson, watching an absolutely gorgeous man. Made me wonder why I need to do this at 4:00 p.m. on a Thursday afternoon.
Because I HATE 4:00 O'Clock. Hate it. Just plain despise it. So this is how I get past it.
Why, you may wonder? So do I. No doubt has something to do with childhood. Don't most things? Whatever it is, I don't remember it. I just know I despise sunny afternoons, especially 4:00 in the afternoon.
Add to that it's an hour before you leave work when you hate your job (had a lot of those when I was supporting my kids by myself, that's for dang sure), it's the hottest part of the afternoon (I hate HOT), and it's the lead-in to a lonesome evening. Yes, I had many of those in my past. Evenings when I was home alone with my wee kids, husband out doing whatever he was doing (a lifetime ago). Evenings when I so wanted to go out and be young, but I had two babies at home. Plenty of those.
Those were times when I suffered as a child suffers, without accepting the consequences of my decisions and consciously deciding to change them. Those were the times when people around me also suffered the consequences of my poor decision making ability.
So you might say, "Well, that was then ..... this is now." So do I. All the time. I'm much older, much wiser, and yet still tied to my past. What is this hold the past has on us which not only disallows a path towards BETTER, but the emotional patterns reach out with their nostalgic claws to keep us in our past's methodology?
I see it in my Mother, now 95 years old, who seemingly has never changed in all her years. I see it in others who think they've gotten past their patterns via therapy, yet still they repeat, repeat, repeat, whether it's marriages, jobs, or just their everyday despairing behavior.
Is this the human condition? Or is the human condition, along with these ties to our pasts, the tools with which to grow to our own state of Nirvana?
I think it's best to find out now.